How to Build a Fire
  1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
  2. Bandage left thumb.
  3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
  4. Bandage left foot.
  5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
  6. Light Match.
  7. Light Match.
  8. Repeat "This is fun" as you light match.
  9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
  10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
  11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
  12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
  13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
  14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
  15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
  16. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat all above steps.