Signs of Ripe Old Age
  1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
  2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  3. You keep repeating yourself.
  4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
  5. Your children begin to look middle-aged.
  6. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
  7. You look forward to a dull evening.
  8. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
  9. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
  10. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  11. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
  12. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
  13. Your back goes out more than you do.
  14. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
  15. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
  16. You keep repeating yourself.
  17. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  18. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  19. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  20. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
  21. You wear black socks with sandals.
  22. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
  23. You got cable for the Weather Channel.
  24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  25. You keep repeating yourself.
  26. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  27. You keep repeating yourself.
  28. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  29. Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
  30. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  31. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  32. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
  33. You keep repeating yourself.
  34. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  35. Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
  36. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
  37. You sing along with the elevator music.
  38. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
  39. You are proud of your lawn mower.
  40. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
  41. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  42. Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former teachers.
  43. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
  44. You keep repeating yourself.
  45. People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
  46. Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate."