Funny One-Liners
  1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  2. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  3. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used gainst you.
  4. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  6. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
  7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  8. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  10. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
  11. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  12. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  14. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  15. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  16. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  17. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  18. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  19. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  20. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
  21. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  22. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  23. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  25. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
  27. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
  28. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  29. Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
  30. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
  31. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  32. When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
  33. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
  34. The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
  35. Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
  36. A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
  37. A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.