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Medical Phrasebook

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After visiting my loved ones in the hospital a few too many times, I have developed some translations of medical-speak:

You may feel pressure.
I am going to stick a needle in you. It's going to hurt.

You may feel some pressure.
I'm going to use the needle to hunt around for a vein. It'll hurt even more.

You'll feel a little pinch.
I'm going to stick a much bigger needle in you. You do the math.

We can aspirate that.
You thought those other needles were big, wait till you see Big Molly!

We'll have to evacuate that.
We are going to cut you open and remove parts of your living flesh.

The procedure was more complex that we anticipated.
I cut out lots of stuff and, wow, is it going to hurt!

A nurse from "Pain Management" will visit you.
I cut deep, too!

We believe that pain management is important.
We believe that it's important that you complain about pain to your nurse from "pain management", not to us.

How much does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10?
1-4, Tylenol ... 5-8, Percocet ... 9-10 disable the call button.

You can reach me at any time.
You can reach my answering machine at any time.

This is my pager number.
You cannot even reach my answering machine.