The ABCs of Film Cliches
Aliens
Aliens have just one culture - same language, same religion, same clothes -
whatever planet they come from.
Animals
Cats are feminine and a sign of trouble. If a man has a cat he is either a
villain or a pervert. Dogs know in advance who the bad guys are and grawl at them
menacingly. Creepy crawlers will always attack the woman, even if she is surrounded
by dozens of men.
Artists
Temperamental people. Writers crumple typewritten sheets in anger; They
don't use word-processors. Painters stand with bare torsos, hurling gallons of paint
at the canvass.
Baths
Bubble baths hide everything. Bubbles never dissipate.
Bars
Troubled men gulp their drinks at one shot, and ask for another.
Birth
The trip to the hospital has endless problems and only by the sheerest luck
does the woman get to deliver in a place that has doctors. Just a couple of hours
after giving birth, she looks as if she'd never been through it.
Bombs
All time bombs use a red digital display to show the countdown.
Cars
No one ever bothers to lock their cars when getting out.
Car Chases
If you're trying to get away the car won't start until you give it a few
tries. It will inevitably get on the pavement and hit the vegetables of the Korean
greengrocer. During chases, police cars will get battered more than the others.
Clothes
When you steal clothes from a washline, they will be a perfect fit.
Conversation
In intimate conversation, both people face the camera, so that one is
talking to the other's back. Sometimes they both face the window and talk to the
landscape.
Eating Breakfast
Mothers get up before the rest of the household and cook a hearty
meal. The family sits at the table thirty seconds before going out on their daily
business, and make do with a bit of toast and half a glass of juice. The father takes
three sips of coffee, glances at his watch and says he has to leave, puts on his jacket
while managing another sip.
Eating Dinner
If a woman prepares a romantic candlelight dinner, the fellow won't
show up. If they've just got together, they eat from Chinese take-away boxes,
preferably sitting on the bare floor.
Engagement
When falling in love you say "I want you to have mother's ring, it's a
family heirloom". When separating you should return the ring, though in extreme
cases you can throw it into the river/ocean/well.
Falling
Women fall when chased. If there's a man around, he'll pick herto her feet
and help her run.
Falling in Love
Love has many faces, in film too, but if the parties are opposites success is assured: him serious, her fickle; her serious, him wild. The first meeting involves a mishap, some confusion, a mistaken identity or perhaps a collision, be it in a corridor or in a motorcar.
Fighting
You can neutralize two hoodlums by knocking their heads together. If you
win at the end, you must lose the first round. No matter what happens, the hero and
the villain will have their final, one-on-one fight.
Forensics
The most inarticulate detective can ask the lab to perform the most
elaborate tests. Most lab workers are members of minority/disadvantaged groups:
Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, women and the elderly.
Glasses
Glasses are a handicap. Men in glasses are, heaven forbid, "Philosophers",
"Scientists", "Teachers", "Intellectuals". When a man becomes an active hero, his
eyesight becomes 20-20 and he doesn't need glasses any more. Women who wear
glasses are sexually repressed. When they loosen up the glasses disappear. If they
wear contacts, one will fall to the ground and everyone will drop to the floor to look
for it.
Health
Coughing is a symptom of a terminal disease.
Hugging
American families like to hug. When hugging, one should say "I love you, son".
Ice cream
Unhappy people eat it at night, straight from the box.
Locks
Any lock can be opened with a credit card or hairpin.
Money
In a restaurant, when the woman leaves after fighting with her man, he will
toss a couple of notes on the table without checking the bill. Same thing in bars.
There is never a problem with change. Same thing in hotels and taxis.
Panic
When a woman enters her home, and suspects someone is lurking, she never
turns on the light. When in deep panic she screams, hands on cheeks.
Phones
People don't introduce themselves, nor do they say "bye" when they're done.
They remember a huge amount of phone numbers by heart: highschool friends they
haven't seen in years, government offices, every restaurant in town (they also
remember the head waiter's name). They seldom need a phone book, an address book
or operator assistance. When the phone wakes you up in the morning, you grope for
it with your hand and drop it on the floor. If it's an Arabic film, you invariably get a
bad line and have to shout at the mouthpiece.
Police
The bosses are always mad at their top detective, threatening to suspend him.
After they do, he manages to solve the crime single-handed. Police bosses are under
pressure from the mayor, who threatens them that if they don't get the serial killer..
and so on ad nauseum.
Pregnancy
If a woman has dizzy spells that means she is pregnant (and surprised).
When she tells her man he is even more surprised.
Radio/TV
When the hero wants to hear a newscast he opens the set exactly as the
news reader gets to the point and shuts it down right afterwards. If a friend calls
you and tells you to watch for an interesting news item, you open the set and the item
starts right away.
Recordings
When the hero wants to hear a recording, he rewinds the tape to the
exact spot where the recording starts; he manages to do this time and time again.
Ropes
Very easy to get out of, using supple fingers or rubbing against a sharp object.
Still the hero will pretend to be tied up so he can jump at the appropriate moment.
Schools
Lessons are very short and the bell cuts the teacher in mid sentence.
Shootouts
Heros are shot in the arm or leg; they improvise a bandage to restrict
blood-flow and go on fighting evil. Women are shot in the belly.
Shopping
Put your purchases in a brown paper bag; it will fall apart before you reach
the kitchen. If this happens in the street or the stairs it is an excellent way to meet
someone of the opposite sex.
Soldiers
If a soldier shows his friend a photo of his small-town sweetheart, he will
die soon. If he's about to go on a coveted leave, he will die soon. If he tells his friend
about a dream he had -- well, you get the idea.
Tears
Women will cry in the bath or the shower. When crying in the shower, their
back will slide down the wall slowly until they end up sitting on the floor. Men cry in
the battlefield, especially when it rains.
Technology
Computer experts are black or wheelchair-bound or both. From any
computer you can - with the help of the wheelchair expert - infiltrate any large
organization and access files on the laptop computer of any villain. All computers,
even the simplest, will display a realistic 3D color picture. Character based terminals
have all got speech synthesizers.
Toilets
Only men actually use toilets. Women just use it for their makeup.
Views
From any apartment in Paris you can see the Eiffel tower. From any apartment
in New York you can see the Brooklyn Bridge/Empire State building.
Weather
When the heroine says "I think it's going to rain" it immediately does.