Police Humor
  1. "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
  2. "Your life is not my fault."
  3. "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
  4. "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
  5. "Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em, nobody is your friend."
  6. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  7. "That says POLICE, not taxi!"
  8. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
  9. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  10. "You can't outrun a radio."
  11. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
  12. "Someone somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you should meet, you will lose."
  13. "Every dog has it's day. Good dogs have two."
  14. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  15. "I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."
  16. "If its worth stopping, its worth writing."
  17. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  18. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
  19. "Listen with your ears, not with your mouth."
  20. "Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the cops."
  21. "God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
  22. "God must love stupid people, 'cause he sure made a lot of them."
  23. "Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
  24. "Bulletproof vests aren't."
  25. "Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because, dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."
  26. "In God we trust, all others we run NCIC."
  27. "In God we trust, all others are suspect."
  28. "Just how big were those two beers?"
  29. "Uh ... yes, Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the mission statement and envision a new paradigm."
  30. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
  31. "Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."
  32. "There are multiple copies here. You need to press down firmly when signing at the bottom of the ticket."
  33. "I know, I know! Your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."
  34. "I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
  35. "You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."
  36. "We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it."
  37. "Shoot them until they think they're dead."
  38. "I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers."
  39. "Handcuffs aren't designed for comfort."
  40. "Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."
  41. "No, Chief, I swear ... it was my day off."
  42. "There are no dress rehearsals, and this is the big time."