Ways to Make a Complete Ass of Yourself
  1. Go up to someone you've never met and say, with a sort of vengeful look on your face, "Hello, Andrew," or some other name.
  2. If a security guard grabs you by the shoulder asking you what your problem is, yell at the top of your lungs, "Rape! Rape!!"
  3. Sing the "Bananas in Pajamas" theme song, audibly, in public.
  4. Sing the "B'Harnee and Fiends" theme song, audibly, in public.
  5. Sing opera as loud as you possibly can in your car at a red light, windows rolled down, of course.
  6. Run onto a baseball field in the middle of the game (or the 7th inning stretch) with no pants on.
  7. Go up to some cute babe in a mall with lots of people around and plant a wet one on her lips, then walk away casually, as if nothing happened.
  8. Wear Speedos in public.
  9. Make yourself noticed. Wear an orange hunting outfit to a formal banquet.
  10. Carry a calculator in the front pocket of your shirt. Use it often, even on things like calculating the distance from Hollywood, CA to Milford, MI. Make others sure of what you are doing, too.
  11. Drive your boat up to girls on jet skis or wave runners and make it clear that you want to sleep with them, and tell them that your perverted horn-dog brother may want to too, and that he always gets what he wants.
  12. In a restaurant, immediately get up on the table and scream, "FUCK YOU ALL!!!" at the top of your lungs. Laugh hysterically for a while, and then sit back down and pretend that nothing happened later on. Play dumb with the manager. This will really help you to make an ass of yourself in a family-oriented restaurant.
  13. Wear pregnancy pillows everywhere you go, if you are male. 'Nuff said. (Let's not go there.)
  14. Buy about ten boxes of condoms from a store. Remember to go to the clerk who looks like she should be in modeling or something like that. Tell her that they are really fun to shoot at people as they walk by, and that whatever is left over can be put to good use. Ask her if she'd like to join you tomorrow night. (If she says yes, leave the store as fast as you possibly can. Again, 'nuff said.)
  15. Throw flower petals in front of yourself while walking in a store, wearing a Burger King crown. If anyone asks or stares for awhile while trying to suppress hysterical laughter, tell them that you are the Grand, Exalted King Kevin of the island of Mypos. If they start laughing, scold them loudly and demand that they kiss your feet. If they refuse, kick them in the balls if they are male, or slap them across the face if they are female. If they do, have a muscle spasm "accidentally." (I do not condone slapping women across the face unless they kick you in the balls, so don't go around slapping women for nothing. Then again, if you actually do try doing things from this list, then that's your own fault and maybe you need professional help.)
  16. Bring a barf bag to a movie theater. During a quiet scene, pretend to hurl, with the appropriate sound effects, then say, "False alarm." (from "What About Bob?")
  17. Speak entirely in a made-up language (e.g. Gubba fukka boogly-oogly-oogly muck fibb!) in public places.
  18. Shove the piano player at Hudson's out of the way while he is doing "Misty" and start trying to play two-finger renditions of "The Entertainer" or "In a Godda da Vida." Mess up often, reassure others that you can do the song, and try to make it heard throughout the mall.
  19. Smash the most expensive pair of shoes at a shoe store on the ground to the point of no salvation, and then exclaim that "there was a bug in one of them." Refuse to reimburse the store, and suggest extermination of the merchandise (and the staff, if you're really trying to make a total ass of yourself.)
  20. Wear clothing wrapped in aluminum foil to "block out invisible rays." (Thanks to Alan Meiss for the idea.)
  21. Peddle slides and photographs of stars' homes in Hollywood. Make sure you take the pictures with a cheap 110 camera and include yourself in the pictures, but make sure that the real ones are not visible on the racks. Instead, put postcards as the display ones. (But, if you want to be really foolish, put the real ones up on display.)
  22. Pretend to be homeless, but use a laptop and a cellular phone often, visibly. Say your business stunk. Blame Clinton. Demand that he be "ridden out of town on a rail."
  23. Show up to middle school band concert lugging a truck's fill of photographic equipment. Get other people to help you set up. Then announce that having all this stuff bites and start using a Focal 110 camera.
  24. Mutter gibberish to yourself rather audibly while walking down the street, and make sure you include the words I.R.S.,
  25. Actually go out and do the things on this list...