PC Hypochondria
Using a computer can be hazardous to your health. At least, that's the way it seems.
We're constantly hearing about all the physical problems that affect people who use
computers, everything from back strain to bad eyesight. What we DON'T hear much
about are the psychological problems that can strike us computer folks. Computer
users are susceptible to a variety of psychological disorders, and it's about time these
were taken as seriously as carpal-tunnel syndrome. Here are some of the most
common psychological conditions that affect computer users, listed by the names they
MIGHT be given by the medical community.
PC ENVY
What you feel when all your friends' computers are faster than yours.
BBS BILL BLUES
The depression caused by your first phone bill after you've used an expensive, new BBS all month.
VIRAL HYPOCHONDRIA
The phobia that every little glitch or error you notice on your computer is the result of a virus.
HARD DRIVE HOSTILITY
The anger you feel when you bring home a powerful and exciting new software program, then discover it takes up half your hard drive.
DELUSIONS OF GATENESS
The conviction that if you spend enough time in front of your computer, you'll someday be a rich computer entrepreneur like Bill Gates.
PC PRICE FRIGHT
The scare you receive when you notice that the computer you bought three months ago is now half the price you paid for it.
COMPUTER CLAUSTROPHOBIA
What you feel when you're forced to set up your computer system in a tiny attic or closet because there's no room for it anywhere else in your home.
FONTAL FIXATION
The compulsion to laser print every document (even your shopping list) with fancy, elaborate fonts.
ERROR-MESSAGE AMBIVALENCE
The feeling you get when you see a strange error message but don't know what to do about it because you can't understand the message.
TYPEWRITER TRANSFERENCE
What you feel when computer problems have you wondering if you weren't better off back when you used a typewriter.
SOFTWARE-SETUP SYNDROME
Caused by spending so much time setting up a software program and fiddling with its options that you never use the program to do any actual work.
BACKUP CRACK-UP
The total breakdown you suffer when you lose all the data on your hard drive, and the only backup files you can find are six months old.
GAMER'S GUILT
Remorse felt after you've spent the entire afternoon playing Sim City instead of getting your work done.
DOT-MATRIX DOLDRUMS
Sadness felt when you tear off your dot-matrix printouts, and they rip in the middle of the page rather than at the perforation.
PC PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
The fear that your old XT computer won't be fast enough to run all that great, new state-of-the-art software you just bought.
DOCUMENTATION FRUSTRATION
What you feel when the software documentation you've turned to, to solve a problem simply confuses you even more.
PREMATURE DELETION
These sufferers keep deleting files that they always end up needing later on.
ACRONYMPHOBIA
The fear of not understanding all the different acronyms used in the computer industry.
SOLITARINESS
The inability to get past the solitaire game whenever you try to work in Windows.
ODD-APPLE COMPLEX
Caused by a continued preference for MACintoshes, while all your friends and colleagues work on IBM-PCs.
DOS SHELL SHOCK
The euphoria felt when you first use a DOS shell and realize you no longer have to work at that cold, unfriendly DOS prompt.
COMPRESSION DEPRESSION
Sadness experienced when you've compressed all the data on your hard drive, and you STILL don't have enough room for all your software programs.
RAMania
The obsessive struggle to find enough memory to run all your memory-hungry software programs.
TECHNICAL TROUBLE TRANSFERENCE
Frustration experienced when you seek support help for a problem-and the hardware company blames your software, while the software company blames your hardware.