Getting To Know Your Computer
ALT KEY
For calling up extra functions. Conveniently placed where you'd expect to find the SHIFT key, it let's you delete entire documents when all you wanted was a capital L.
BIOS
Legal term for the method used by IBM to settle out of court with it's competitors over copyright problems.
BOOTING
Arcane term for the aching delay as the PC dutifully checks that it's got all it's bits and pieces.
COMMAND_DRIVEN
Term used to describe the way a data management package works. You tell it to do one thing, and it does something else.
COMMS PORT
Russian submarine base.
COMMUNICATIONS
Method of combining incompatible software working to incompatible standards to produce difficult to understand results.
COMPATIBLE PRICE CUTS
Example of largesse on the part of manufacturers of PC_compatible microcomputers. Nothing to do with IBM price cuts. See IBM PRICE CUTS.
DAISYWHEEL PRINTER
Slow, letter-quality output device designed to seriously impair the hearing of the people who work near it.
DATA PROCESSING DEPARTMENT
Part of a large company whose job it is to discourage the use of PC's.
EASILY EXPANDABLE
Minimum price configuration is unsuitable for practical use.
EASY TO INSTALL
Difficult to install, but instruction manual has pictures.
EASY TO USE
Not very powerful.
ELECTRONIC MAIL
Method of sending messages between PC users, rather than letting them talk to each other.
ERGONOMICALLY DESIGNED
Has highly unusual appearance.
EUROPEAN HEADQUARTERS
The only branch of a US software company not to employ any knowledgeable product support staff.
EXECUTIVE CURSOR CONTROL
Joystick.
EXPANSION SLOTS
Sparse resource quickly used up by clock/calenders, games adaptors and mouse cards.
FIXED DISK DRIVE
Difficult-to-back-up storage device sold by IBM to make it easy for PC users to lose large amounts of valuable data.
FLIGHT SIMULATOR
Microsoft game which mimics a light aircraft, said to be the ultimate test for PC compatibility.
FLEXIBLE
Difficult to use.
FLOPPY DISK
Long-playing record left out in the sun.
FUNCTION KEYS
Outmoded hardware devices passed over by software authors in favor of complex combinations of CONTROL KEYS and mnemonic codes.
GRAPHICS GAME
Describes matchstick men fighting upside-down pound signs.
HANDS-ON-TRAINING
Where groups of would-be users huddle round a single PC for two days, and watch someone else use it.
HIGH LEVEL OF FUNCTIONALITY
Does some of the thing's it's claimed to.
IBM's HIGH RESOLUTION COLOR GRAPHICS
On the PC, black & white.
IBM COMPATIBLE
Term used to describe a microcomputer that might run some PC software.
IBM PRICE CUTS
Reduction of prices so that they're only slightly more expensive than rival products. See COMPATIBLE PRICE CUTS.
INTEGRATED SOFTWARE
Package with several functions-spreadsheet, graphics, and word processing-that only comes on four floppy disks.
JUSTIFICATION
Method used in a personalized word processed letter to make it look like a word processed letter.
LETTER QUALITY MATRIX PRINTER
Output device that produces print quality that is unsuitable for real correspondence.
LOCAL AREA NETWORK
Highly complicated system that surrenders local control of personal computing to remote data processing dept.
MOUSE
Hand-held controller that's even more embarrassing for status-conscious executives to use than a keyboard.
MULTIFUNCTION BOARD
Add-in card for a PC, packed with features you don't need.
MATRIX PRINTER
Output device that produces print quality that even its makers say is unsuitable for correspondence.
NEW VERSION
Software release or hardware product that does most, but not all of what the original version was supposed to do.
NEXT VERSION
Not-yet-available release of a software package that's claimed to do all of the things claimed for the original version. Often turns out to be a NEW VERSION (see above).
NUM LOCK
One of the mysteries on the PC's keyboard. Until you start typing you don't know whether it's switched on or not.
OPERATING SYSTEM
Difficult to understand piece of software which is supposed to be 'transparent' to PC users.
PORTABLE PC
No such thing.
POWERFUL US FINANCIAL PLANNING PACKAGE
Doesn't display or print out pound signs.
RAM
A goat.
RECOMMENDED FOR HARD DISK USE
A program that comes on 12 floppy disks.
SMOOTH SCROLLING
Slightly less juddery movement of text up and down the screen.
SERIAL PORT
Hardware device that goes snap, crackle, then pops.
SHARED PRINTER
Expensive peripheral that's always being used by someone else.
SIMPLE TO INSTALL
Installation procedure likely to invalidate IBM warranty.
TOTAL BUSINESS SOLUTION
Jargon used by computer salesmen to make you believe they understand what you're saying.
USER
A four letter word. Used by manufacturers to describe someone who falls foul of their product.
UTILITIES
'Extra' pieces of software, more complicated than the problems they're supposed to help you solve.
VAPOURWARE
Idea in a computer entrepreneur's mind and ad agency's copy for a product that doesn't actually exist.
VERSION II
Re-packaged program that does all that was promised for the original product, but not as much as is claimed for in the brochure.
VOICE INPUT
A (pause) way (pause) of (pause) talking (pause) to (pause) computers (stop). Voice training courses are recommended to help PC users project over the thundering of daisywheel printers. See DAISYWHEEL PRINTERS.
WINCHESTER
An old English town.
WINDOWS
Software device designed to confuse lay end users by letting them run five programs simultaneously.
WYSIWYG
(Pronounced `wizzy wig'). Usually describes a word processing package that lets you display fancy typefaces on the screen, but won't work with any of your printers.
APPLICATIONS GENERATOR
Enables you to write any kind of program you want - as long as it's a database. See PROGRAM GENERATOR.
BACKUP
Don't worry, it'll never happed to me.
BASIC
Language that's unsuitable without additions.
CONCURRENCY
The facility to handle several tasks at one, without doing any of them properly.
DEBUGGER
The person who sold us our system.
DOS
Do it Our-Selves.
DUMB TERMINAL
Exactly what it says. See 3274 CONTROLLER.
ENTROPY
The universal process of things changing for the worse. See UPGRADE.
FOURTH GENERATION
Technology that would have been appreciated in 1905.
INDUSTRY STANDARD
Term used by suppliers which means "every one is out of step except us".
KEYBOARD
Easy to use input device which fits snugly into the cassette socket at the rear of the PC - and then won't work.
KEYBOARD TEMPLATE
Ill fitting plastic devie which prevents the smooth working of the PC's keyboard. Also comes in delux cardboard model which falls to pieces after a week.
LCD
Lousy computer display.
MACHINE CODE
A language that's best left to machines.
MENU
A bit like a real menu - full of things you don't understand.
POP-UP MENUS
Little windows full of help messages that instantly cover up whatever it was you wanted help with.
PROGRAM GENERATOR
Package claimed to enable you to write programs without being a programmer as long as all you want to do is write database programs. See APPLICATIONS GENERATOR.
SCHEDULING
Identifying those parts of a project which you hope no-one will notice have been left out.
SHELL
Designed to come between PC users and the complexity of the OS. Usually something you wish you'd left closed.
SOFTWARE ENGINEERING
A discipline which ensures that the correct and useful parts of a program are written in such a way that any programmer can understand how they work. See ENTROPY.
STATEMENT OF DIRECTION
We only think we know where we're going, but we're going to try and take you along anyway.
TOTAL BUSINESS SOLUTION
Give up business and move to Barbados.
UCSD.p
An operating system that's more portable than most computers, but isn't used by many people.
UPGRADE
A new version of a program in which all the modules the programmers could understand have been re-written. See SOFTWARE ENGINEERING.
1.2.3
Key phrase missed out of the Lotus Symphony manual.
3270_PC
Seven functions at once. As long as only one is a PC function.
3270_EMULATION
Add-in card costing almost as much as a real 3270 terminal.
3274_CONTROLLER
Device for turning expensive, powerful PC's into dumb terminals. See DUMB TERMINALS.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
Man-made method for making a machine even more irrational than man. See EXPERT SYSTEM.
BACKING-UP
Mythical ceremony, often discussed, but rarely encountered. See SECURITY COPY.
BIGGER ICONS
Large pictures on PC's screen which don't infringe Apple's copyright. See ICONS.
COPY_PROTECTED
Stops thieves from stealing it and genuine PC users from running it.
DECISION SUPPORT
Special software package which includes business plan, darts and blindfold.
ESCAPE SEQUENCE
Lash computer securely to desk. Pull out plug. Detach parallel printer cable and tie one end round desk leg. Open window. Throw other end of cable out of window. Climb down cable, and make way to nearest airport.
EXPANSION SLOTS
Specially contrived means of cramping PC users' style by limiting the number of options available for expansion. See EXPANSION UNIT.
EXPANSION UNIT
Enormous, obtrusive box which houses IBM's specially contrived expansion slots.
EXPERT SYSTEM
Program that duplicates your mistakes, only faster. See ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
FAX
Fiction.
FOOTMOUSE
Not a joke, but a genuine American PC product. The input device that responds to your every toe prod.
GATEWAY
Ingenious and expensive upgrade that allows PC users on a local area network to switch from easily corrupting each other's data to easily corrupting the data on a main-frame computer. See LOCAL AREA NETWORK.
HARD DISK
Device enabling naive PC users to lose vast amounts of data quickly and easily.
HIGH RESOLUTION GRAPHICS
Reasonable-quality full color charts and graphs.
HIGH RESOLUTION GRAPHICS(IBM)
Black and white graphs.
HOUSEKEEPING
Just like the real thing, doesn't get done.
ICONS
Small pictures on the PC's screen that infringe Apple's artistic copy- right. See BIGGER ICONS.
LOW-END
Usually found in a sentence like: "We've discovered a new market at the low-end". Means they've been getting pulverized by the people at Software Publishing Corp.
LOCAL AREA NETWORK
Electronic means of allowing multiple users to destroy data files simultaneously.
NATURAL LANGUAGE
Like no other language anyone's ever heard of.
NO SITE LICENSE
Method by which suppliers respond to corporate users who want discounts on software. "NO". See SITE LICENSING.
NON-FIXED FUNCTION WORKSTATION
Dumb terminal.
PAPER FEED
Standard, chewy diet of dot matrix printers.