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The Grad School Rap

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This here's a message to you Mr. Fool
Who decided to go to graduate school
Tryin' to get yourself a higher degree
Is not all, what it's cracked up to be
Listen to me, cause I've collected data
Hear me now and believe me lat'r
I've studied in the north
And I've studied in the south
The conclusions I've drawn,
Leave no room for doubt!
You can come to school but if you're expectin' to stay
You better keep up your GPA.
There's been many who've been weeded out,
That's what the core courses are all about!
You gotta be tough, you gotta be strong
You gotta be smart or you won't last long.
You need Inspiration, Dedication
If you want to make it to your graduation.
You gotta read books all night and day
It's nothing but work, there's no time for play.
Conductin' research to its full potential
The workload o'er time grows _exponential_
Semesters are passin': spring, summer and fall
Instead of makin' progress, you hit a brick wall!
Your plan of work is not lookin' too fine
Expected year of graduation: 2009.
You could be makin' thousands in in-dus-try
Instead of livin' close to po-ver-ty.
Been in grad school, for far too long
And that's the reason for this sad, sad song.
Workin' late at night, and I'm feelin' tired
A few more cups of coffee and I'll be wired.
I got Laplace transforms and Fourier series
Books 'n papers just filled with theories.
Tryin' to do something that hasn't been done
Is like fightin' a battle that can't be won.
Well, I pushed myself, higher and higher
Till it was the time, to take the qualifiers
I walked into the test, it was a scary trip
But I had a weapon strapped to my hip.
It's the calculator and it's a friend of mine
He's got _every_ function: square root to cosine!
It's black and white, no shades of gray
I ain't the MC, I'm called the TA!
Gradin' papers, its an endless chore
The longer I grade, the lower the scores.
They line up at my door during office hours
I feel like a man with such great powers.
They crawl up to me in their distress
And ask me to help 'em, pass their test.
It seems like I'm in such demand,
cause they just don't seem, to understand:

How to integrate
and to transform,
how to calculate the mean
and the norm.

Well, they come to my office to express their grief
But the problem is they're lazy, beyond belief.
Two weeks in the semester, and they're three weeks behind
The situation just, blows my mind.
I say, you're clueless man, there is no doubt
You don't even know what I'm talkin' about.
It's obvious that, you won't pass
But it's not too late, to drop the class.
There's a lot of pain, and sufferin' at hand
But when we get out, we're talkin' 60 grand
Wearing gold chains, and drivin' a Mercedes
We'll be a big hit, with all the ladies
From India to Hong Kong, in every town and street
Thousands will sing praises, and fall at our feet
It's not always sunshine, sometimes it's rain
But at the end of a rainbow, there's somethin' to gain
So my brother when they ask you, why you're here
Just tell 'em this, and do not fear
Disposable income is very cool
And that's the reason we go to Grad School!