Professors I've Known...
The Heisenberg
Has four offices. If you try to find her in any one office,
she will be in a different one (p=1).
The Vampire
Guaranteed to be in the office between 1 am and 4am.
The Schizo
Visit this one in the morning and it's sweetness and light.
Visit in the afternoon and you'd better wear leather britches.
The Pack Rat
Has documents left over from the previous tenant. The
professor may or may not be in--look under the piles of unread
journals and theses.
The Consultant
Consults for IBM, drives a gold 600SEL Mercedes, and
sometimes stops by to teach a class.
The Delegator
Has a super-efficient secretary who prepares the class notes,
authors publications, finds funding, and knows more about quantum
physics than the professor.
The Relic
Looks like a walking corpse. While lecturing, experiences 30
second pauses caused by the occasional microstroke.
The Robot
Reads the lecture from a stack of yellowed ancient
transparencies. Don't ask this one a question -- any diversion
from the norm causes utter confusion and mayhem.
The Foreigner
This is a Chinese grad student who has total mastery of
thermodynamics -- in Chinese.
The Comedian
This one is utterly hilarious and keeps the class in stitches
-- loads of fun, but you tend to forget what subject is being
taught -- until the 8-page, comprehensive final exam.
The Prima Donna
Is the only person in the world who understands toenail
bacterial growth in the lemur of Madagascar (and the only person
who wants to). Enjoys humiliating the occasional student dumb
enough to ask a question.
The Atavist
Never left the sixties. Tends to dress in tie-dyed shirts,
dirty jeans, and sandals even in winter). Usually teaches
sociology and talks like there are a few synapses misfiring.
The Casanova
A male professor who considers the classroom to be a personal
harem. Tends to look like a greasy lounge lizard and gives new
meaning to "grading on curves."
The Delilah
Female counterpart to the "Casanova." Delights in
wearing seductive clothing and Eau-de-Bordello perfume to drive
the freshmen boys out of their minds. Pretends to be unattached,
but has a boyfriend who looks like Arnold Schwartzenegger.
The Jerry Lewis
Reminds you of the "Nutty Professor." When he
remembers where and when his class is taught, he arrives in a
smudged and smoking lab coat and smelling of sulfur. Believes in
experimenting but not in the scientific method.
The Kook
Is researching the effect of brainwaves on the motion of
electrons. Has heard every possible objection from saner
colleagues and so has an answer for everything. Sounds every bit
as plausible as the guy who thinks he's Napoleon.
The Vacuum Tube
Has a pet theory that depends on circa 1940 technology. Tries
to cloak the theory in modern terms so there's some possibility
you'll buy it.