The Flatulence Dictionary


For those of you who are unfamiliar with the meaning of the word "fart" (a extremely unlikely scenario), the common dictionary defines it as "an expulsion of intestinal gas - usually considered vulgar; a foolish or contemptible person - usually considered vulgar."

As I delved into this hot-air issue further, I realized that it would be most appropriate to invent a few more words which incorporate one of the English language's more colorful words, "fart". Hence I have developed my own glossary of "fart-flavored" words which I hope will be used to enliven any painfully dull, circuitous or laborious conversation.

Here they are:

Discomfart (n.)
the feeling one gets when trying to hold in a particularly high pressure emission.

Fart (n.)
acronym for a flabby, anal-retentive Tory

Fartabulous (adj.)
descriptive of anal intercourse

Fart Accompli (n.)
a silent observer of a fart perpetrator in a confined space

Fartalism (n.)
the feeling of inevitability one gets when one can hold it in no longer

Fartality (n.)
the victim of fart attack

Fartastic (adj.)
descriptive of a particularly creative fart

Fartasy (n.)
a whimsical fart

Fartative (adj.)
descriptive of the awkward behavior of a fart perpetrator who's been fingered in the act

Fartaway (n.)
the unmuffled strategic release of fetid air at an inopportune time

Fart Bag (n.)
a humor-challenged pay equity coordinator

Fartberg (n.)
the home of the biggest political fart around

Fartbourg (n.)
an obnoxious name-dropping fart

Fart-buster (n.)
the magic ingredient in GAS-X flatulence relief

Fart-champetre (n.)
Franco-Manitoban Winter Flatulence Festival featuring lots of home-baked beans in maple syrup

Fart-cock (n.)
a pompous fart

Fart de Mieux (n.)
a Quebec Separatist fart

Farter (n.)
the perpetrator of a fart

Farter's Feast (n.)
unfermented complex carbohydrates (e.g. sugar and beans) consumed by party animals causing the uncontrollable emission of foul wind

Fart-flop (n.)
a half-hearted muffled fart

Fart-forward (n.)
the act of speed farting in the hope that no one will really hear

Fartgate (n.)
an undercover fart intelligence operation

Fartidious (n.)
descriptive of a meticulously clean fart

Farting Machine (n.)
a bovine or swampy thing that emits methane gas

Fartissimo (n.)
an explosive passage of putrid gas

Fartible (adj.)
a predisposition to passing wind

Farticability (adj.)
the ability to fart on cue

Farticulation (n.)
the nauseating drone of an academic windbag

Fartified (adv.)
descriptive of the behaviour of a passive-aggressive fart

Fartigue (n.)
descriptive of, or pertaining to a wus

Fart-in-law (n.)
pejorative expression meaning an unpleasant relative by marriage

Fart-knot (n.)
a constipated, uptight, chronically-challenged fart

Fartless (n.)
the goal of the 12-step recovery program for flatus perpetrators

Fartly (adv.)
the swagger of an X-large fart

Fartling (n.)
an undetected or surreptitious fart

Fart Magnum (n.)
an old fart with a penile implant

Fart Mail (n.)
X-rated virus messages that appear on your computer screen when you least expect it

Fart Majeure (n.)
a toxic-level fart

Fart McMurray (n.)
an uncouth, ragged and oily smelling fart

Fart-minded (adj.)
a socially-conscious and politically-correct fart

Fart Naturae (n.)
anyone who keeps hogs as pets

Fartnoid (n.)
a computer consultant with severe gastro-intestinal problems

Fart Offender (n.)
an unrepentant discharger of waste gas

Fartogast (n.)
anyone who releases ill-wind without permission of his co-workers

Fartography (n.)
a social science devoted to studying the quaint habits of human farters

Fartologist (n.)
a turgid scientific fart

Fartometer (n.)
a measuring device that records the frequency of farts; 8-10 waste gas emissions per day is considered normal for human farters

Fart Pas (n.)
any social blunder committed by a chronologically-gifted fart

Fart Positive (n.)
any one who is wrongly diagnosed as having a flatulent condition

Fart-proofing (v.)
using heavy perfume or aftershave lotion to neutralize a particularly excessive flatus condition

Fartricate (v.)
strategically release putrid gas designed to temporarily nauseate victims

Fartright (n.)
the exclusive birthright of royal farts to break wind whenever confronted by the media or politicians

Fart's Day (n.)
the third Saturday in August, a celebration in honor of farts of all ages and persuasions

Fartsinger (n.)
an unmuffled or melodious fart

Fart's Solution (n.)
the option of doing nothing with the fond hope that "it" will go away without your help

Fart Star (n.)
a passive-aggressive behaviour such as pouting, whining, or well-timed sarcasm frequently used by executive farts

Fart Start (n.)
the uncomfortable feeling in one's rectum just before the discharge of waste gas

Fart-time (n.)
what employees do when the boss goes out of town

Fartuitous (adj.)
descriptive of the lucky fart who wins the jackpot lottery

Fartunate (adj.)
a descriptive of premeditated farting condition that frequently occurs during a particularly boring meeting or lecture allowing participants to take an early break

Fart-witted (n.)
descriptive of a good-natured grunt with a high IQ

Farty-niner (n.)
a boisterous, hot dog and beer guzzling, over-the-hill football fan

Frankfart (n.)
the German birthplace of the sausage induced fart

Misfartune (n.)
the bad luck that occurs when a soft gentle fart turns out to be something more substantial

Pianofarte (n.)
a fart that starts quietly and ends in an explosive crescendo

Roquefart (n.)
a silent emission with an effluvia reminiscent of rotting cheese